90 days... wish my brain would work

SO- it's only 90 days until the LSAT.  Everyday that I study, confirms that I might just be retarded. I knew when I started this thing again that it would not be a cake walk, but Good Lord... this seems nearly impossible.  There is nothing worse than wondering if I  am just going to end up disappointed and embarrassed that I even bothered to try this again.  That old familiar Fucker named DOUBT is getting into my head.  I HATE THAT GUY!!!  Doubt is an asshole!!!

There are classes available and there are online courses, but they are so far out of my financial reach. Who has $1200+ to drop on a tutor or a class?  Not me that's for sure.  Even half that might as well be a million bucks!!!  Part of me wants to just throw my hands up and let it go.  The other part is grasping for positivity and  the bright side. I need to do this.  I need to change my destiny. I need to do something other than just struggle for the rest of my life. I owe something so much better to Ben than what I have currently given him. I cannot begin to express how hard it is to want to give him the world and feel like I am failing at every turn.  He is loved, which is the most important thing.  I just wish I could do the other things for him. He doesn't complain.  He doesn't say anything about any of it. I think he knows that I do the best I can.  Still, I have to wonder if it gets to him the way that it gets to me.    

Don't worry kids, I haven't thrown in the towel. I actually signed up for a practice test that is taking place on September 15, 2012.  I figure, if nothing else, I will get a read on where I'm at. I have found some things on YouTube, of all places. I also resorted to buying some Kaplan prep books on Ebay, but I just cannot grasp the concepts!!!  The most frustrating thing is, I KNOW there are strategies for solving these problems.  I know that there are  tools and tricks that are available, but I CANNOT FIND THEM, mostly because I don't know what I am looking for or if I am even asking the right question.   There is some comfort in knowing that I don't need the best score.  I need somewhere between a 150-155.  This shouldn't be impossible.  My research has shown that I need a strong application, and I know I can manage that.  I can manage it.  I know it.  

On an unrelated side note, I have a gigantic zit under my right eye which I can see when I look down. It is like the size of a pea, and it freaking hurts.  I have tried everything to get rid of it, and it is getting bigger by the second. Nothing like a little insult to injury right? Awesome. 

Pray that the next 89 days are better than today.  

Byrdie

103 to go....

103 days until I sit for a test which will determine my path and future plans. I have spent the past three hours studying for the LSAT... Analytical Reasoning- Christ!!! Since we last spoke, I have been trying to analytically "reason" which portion of this test is going to be the worst and require the most work on my part to get a decent score. Hmmmm any guesses? If you said ANALYTICAL REASONING then your deductive abilities are on point, and you are definitely on the right track. Now friends, don't think that I have thrown in the towel- I haven't. I have simply gained better insight into the strange and mysterious workings of what will forever be dubbed- The BYRD BRAIN. The Byrd Brain is not small in size..It has the capacity for great things, but it is definitely hardwired in a totally random and frustrating way. What is super easy and makes absolute and perfect sense to some- seems impossible and totally random to me. 

This is not new information.  Most of you know that I absolutely cannot decipher that mathematical languages of Fractions, Algebra and Geometry. It has been proven through testing- Byrd has a pretty significant learning disability. I know- you're stunned. Having proof of this and acknowledging the same, I know that the road to the LSAT is going to be studded with a mine field of disconnects and wrong turns. This is OK!!! I am going to be OK!!! As I mentioned in my last post, self-awareness can be a useful tool. Knowing that the Byrd Brain does what it wants and not necessarily what I want, will ultimately be useful. I just have to develop a schedule- find people who have the requisite abilities to assist- and WORK HARDER. Whatever... you know me... you know I am not afraid to work hard, you know I am resourceful as hell, and you know I am a time management master. Byrdie IS the Muthafuckin' MAN!!!! I don't see the Byrd Brain as a bad thing- it's just different and knowing what the deal is can only help. I am sure it will prove entertaining. 

My point is this- it would be very easy to let this one thing freak me out and stop me in my tracks. It would be really simple to throw up my hands and settle for the way things are right now. BUT when I think about all of the things I would have missed out on because they were hard- then my life would not have been very well-lived. I encourage you all to take a risk. BET ON YOURSELVES!!! Dream Bigger than you ever have. It will be worth it. Whatever the outcome... it will be worth it.

Off I go to fill my head with logic rules....

Byrdie

JINKIES!!! IT'S ALL REAL NOW!!!

SO... sorry for the long delay since my last post... you know how my life gets... and it's fixing to get crazier.  

Many of you know that I have been dissatisfied with the direction of my life for quite awhile. It seems like I start down the path towards my goal and then I get derailed, or chicken out, or simply fail to act because other things get in the way.  I know this about myself. Self-awareness can be a handy tool, and so it is for me.  

Today- like a million other Fridays- I picked up a breakfast burrito and a sweet iced tea and drove to my job in an exhausted fog.  I am sure the radio was on, but I couldn't tell you what was on it. All I know is a pulled in to my normal parking space, greeted my co-worker and prepared to face the day ahead.   My every intention was to finish the discovery on my desk and catch up on some miscellaneous filing. Funny how God takes your life into HIS hands and leads you down the path HE chooses.  

My co-worker and I had a conversation about work before anyone else arrived to the office. We each recounted how difficult things had become and how frustrated we were with the current states of our lives.

AND JUST LIKE THAT- in a blink of eye- GOD SHOWS HIMSELF. 

We looked at her school program and figured out that she could be done with school in two terms- when this whole time she thought she had years and years to go. Which led me to examine my goals as well.  I have put off my life for YEARS.  I have just tried to be satisfied with the present, be grateful for what I have, and tried to find contentment in just making it day-to-day.  Today- TODAY- God took me by then hand and led me to the path and then you know what He did?  HE FREAKING PUSHED ME HARD DOWN THAT PATH!!! It was like He finally had enough of my procrastination and whining and said "ENOUGH GIRL- If you want something you have never had, you are going to have to do something you have never done- now GET GOING."

So I sat with that for the whole day.  I finished my discovery. I caught up my case list, finished a major memo, packed the files that my boss was going to need for his upcoming trip, and finished a bunch of crap that has been fixing to blow up in my face due to the fact that we have been understaffed and overwhelmed.  Normally under these conditions, I would have been pretty stressed out, pissed off, and feeling hopeless about my situation.  Not today.  Today- God encouraged me to go get what I want. He showed me that my work ethic is on point, my abilities are sound, and the only thing lacking was me. He showed me that the only thing standing between me and the goal I set was ME.  REVELATION!!!

SO WHAT IS IT????   Well kids- I left work on time. I drove home renewed, and tonight I registered to take the LSAT in December!!!  HOLY SHIT!!!!  It took me almost two hours to work up enough courage to do it, but I did it!!! I created my account, I picked the date, I filled out the registration form, I wavered between whether I should do it or not for a LONNNNNNNG time and then I paid the entrance fee- and right now- I have a ticket to take the LSAT on December 1, 2012.  Part of me is so stoked- the other part wants to puke.  

So that's it.  The next few months are going to be the true test of whether I can actually make it through. I am not telling my co-workers anything.  THIS IS ABOUT ME AND THE TEST!!!  I cannot allow a single outside influence to derail me.  I cannot allow myself to sabotage myself.  I am going to need your prayers and your support.  It's all real now... the die has been cast.  I still might puke.

105 days!!!!

Byrdie

 

Lottery Loser/ Gratitude Winner

Well Damn!!!  My Mega Millions Lottery hopes have been dashed once again. You would think that the odds of 176 million to 1 would be enough to deter everyone from even spending one dollar- but I think what happens is- you start dreaming about all the things you would do or COULD do- all the things that you would change and those dreams SUCK YOU IN- at least that is what happens to me. This time I only got sucked in a little bit- $12-bucks, not SO bad.    But as I was mourning my $640 million dollar loss, I was struck by the thought that money doesn't have to be the answer- it makes things easier sure- but  fundamentally we are all who we are. Selfish folks will continue to be selfish whether they are rich or poor. Miserable lonely people will still be miserable and lonely despite their millions. 

It is so easy to get caught up in the things that suck- me especially- that we forget about the things we should be grateful for.  I need a gratitude adjustment folks. So for the next 30 days- I am making a conscious effort to reflect on the things I am grateful for in my life.  Ok- listen- let me say right now- I don't plan on skipping around blowing rainbow sunshine out my behind for the month of April.  Clearly, anyone who really knows me, knows that there is NO WAY I am going to manage an entire month of joyful reflection and celebration- GAK- not gonna happen!!!  But- what I am hoping is that I will find some joy in places where it is normally pretty scarce- like work.  

So let's start things off right now- I AM GRATEFUL I HAVE A JOB!!!  There are A LOT of people out there wondering how the heck they are going to make it.  Their cupboards are bare- electricity is 10 seconds from being shut off- they are worried about making the rent.  None of these things are my current reality.  Don't get me wrong, I am no millionaire- Hell, I am not even a hundredaire.  I have to juggle the bills to make it work, and there are a lot of days when I wonder whether  I can make it- but I always do. 

My job is pretty much the bane of my existence.  There is more bullshit and drama going on there than really any place else I have ever worked, but at the end of the day- it pays my bills- keeps food on the table and ensures that my kiddo has some quality of life... I think that this job has taught me so much about myself- and human nature in general.  I definitely have grown in this job- and struggled- fought with people's perceptions of me- and fought my perceptions of them as well.  I do not want to do this job forever- but for now- I am making it work, and I am thankful I was able to find some measure of success.  

Ok-that was not as hard as I thought it was going to be.  Things are looking up already. 

Peace!!!

LEMONADE? LEMONS. (sigh)

The last few months have been a whirlwind of activity and none of it came out the way I thought it would.  Life is funny that way I guess.  

Let's start with the Lemonade- or so I thought- For months, I have been dying to get my hands in the dirt.  I dragged Hamilton out to get cow manure, convinced him to dig pits in my front yard, and we were in the process of making raised garden beds complete with a drip system. I poured over seed catalogs and  spent a small fortune on heirloom seeds. The garden was going to be my virtual oasis- a gift to myself- a place to putter and relax and fawn over.  Garden dreams...my poor yard is comprised of the shittiest, nothing-grows-but-weeds dirt. It is powdery and reminds me of talc. I am always surprised that it is so crappy.  Why?  Um- well- because EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. I haul in soil, and manure, and peat moss, and top soil, and seeds and water the hell out of it- and I grow lovely grass, which lives until about September- and then Pffft- that's it- bye bye grass. I should probably mention that it doesn't seem to matter whether I seed or sod- the results are exactly the same. This was going to be the year that Hamilton was going to take over the grass dilemma. Too bad Hamilton doesn't live here anymore.

LEMONS- Hamilton doesn't live here anymore? What? Wait what? What are you talking about? Hamilton has been there for 8 months!!!  Hamilton and Byrdie are pretty happy. They love each other. What happened to Hamilton?  Long story short- Hamilton-made a choice. A shitty-not-well-thought-out-choice- and that's all I have to say about that.  I will say this- this is a new development, and I don't really know how it will shake out. Maybe he will be back, maybe not-probably not. I am OK. I haven't been crying; I am not particularly angry; it is just the way that it is. Nothing is final- but it may be heading that direction.

LEMONS- I also watched my desktop finally bite the big one. After months and months and months of watching it turn itself off by itself, witnessing the blue screen of death and letting Hamilton restore it to factory settings only to have the EXACT SAME RESULT, it finally croaked.  Sooooo- I took it to the Geek Squad- Who has seen my computer about 10 times in 5 years- and the little dude kicked this awesome line my direction- "Ma'am- (Sigh) I don't have parts here to fix this- and so you will need to send this off to HP, and it might just be the power supply which is an easy fix- OR it might be the motherboard- in which case it will cost more to fix than to just buy something new."  "Well gee Skippy- maybe you could have said this like the last two times I brought it to you to look at."

LEMONADE- Luckily I backed everything off that desktop and onto an external hard drive about two days before it ate shit- so YAY ME!!! Now, I just have to figure out how to get everything off of the external and onto my new laptop!!! The only thing I really care about frankly is getting my itunes. Any advice will be welcomed.  I am expecting it to be an exercise in utter frustration- maybe I will be surprised?

LEMONS- My job is freaking nuts-nothing new there. I have a huge ass project due sometime this week and the Big Boss is supposed to be coming into town to help me work on it. I anticipate by the end of the week I will be a neurotic mess, rocking in the corner and sucking my thumb and ready to hide under my covers for a week or so. I am just going to try and keep my shit together- and hopefully all will work out without a hitch.

LEMONADE- I FOUND MY FREAKING GLASSES!!! This normally wouldn't be terribly newsworthy except for the fact that they have been gone over a week. I clearly remember wearing them to work- and sometime during that day they disappeared.  I retraced my steps twice with no luck.  I tore up my car-nothin'.  Hamilton tore up my car-no dice. Then today- while I was trying to get the groceries out of the car-there they were- they fell off the backseat into my hand- clearly neither one of us did a very good job looking over the car. What a relief!!!  I can't see shit with my old lady glasses. Probably God knew I needed them back in order to get through the week.

Life is strange and wonderful and terrible- gonna keep doing it. Peace!!!

Ok... Here We Go Again

It is the beginning of a New Year.  This is supposed to be a time of renewal... sloughing off the old, embracing the new... blah blah blah.  As you will remember, this time last year I was embarking on a blogging adventure- and as many many New Year's resolutions go for many many of us (read me) I decided that I had too much crap going on and just abandoned my quest.  This was also true for my new job quest- shoveling out the middle bedroom quest, losing a huge amount of fat quest, roller derby quest, etc... 

Does this mean I am an epic failure?  Am I doomed to a life of mediocrity?  Will I remain trapped in the ho-hum day-to-day bullshit? HELL NO!!!  Nope!!! No way!!!  Life is full of second chances and third and more. All that you have to do is decide to do SOMETHING and Do It!!!   Sounds easy right?  It certainly is easy to say, but it's freaking hard to do.  There is always something that will be more pressing, more important, more necessary, more interesting... let's face it, there will always be a reason to keep you from doing the thing that you want to do.   But here's the thing folks, one of the greatest lessons I learned last year was that acting on your ideas, even when done imperfectly, is forward movement which is markedly better than no movement right?

So this year- this 2012 year- this end of the world year (yeah whatever) I resolve to do things that I want to do- even if it's only one time- even if they are not perfect. It's so easy to get engulfed by the "perfect"- Newsflash people- YOU ARE NOT PERFECT!!!  So why are we constantly striving to be so, to make it so?  Listen- we have all been around those people who firmly believe that unless it is perfect- unless it is without flaw- that it is ruined and unworthy.  Trust me people- a lopsided chocolate cake is still delicious- you can still snarf every bite with no problem.  So are you... delicious... even with your little imperfections. 

My challenge this year is to live imperfectly but enjoy every minute.  Whew!!! Now that the standards have been brought down a bit- I bet it will be a little more fun!!! 

Peace!!!